A Deimoan WolfeCry

wahehe.. wla maisip na title eh!! hehe…

hi, ako po si cera… emmanuel cera ipinanganak last[wow, kelan lang??] march 22, 1987 [oo, year of d rabbit ako, at ariean... hu needs some luvin'?? hehe...] sa ospital ng maynila… lumaki partly sa upper bicutan, taguig at bayanan bacoor cavite. my younger years.. nasa taguig ako… the only things i can remember are: naiinis ako kpag d aq nkakasama sa lolo[sln] ko sa pog jojogging, nabutas ang bumbunan ko dahil gumulong gulong ako pababa sa maharlika village, madalas akong dumungaw sa bintana pagkatapos ng ulan dahil masarap pagmasdan ang rumaragasang baha na umaanod sa 20% ng basura sa mundo… oopppss jok lang!!!, nkikipag laro sa mga bata na ang pangalan ay sonny, genesis, jek2 blah blah…  d ko cla maalala e… from 6 y o [galing ng memory ko 'no??] onwards, nand2 na q sa cavite… a year b4 my kinder, umeepal na q sa pagbabasa ng kung anu anung may letra… [libro ng kuya ko, which annoys him a lot, bible, jario, so on so forth.. hehe]… kinder years.. hmmm, first day in school ko??… d ko na matandaan.. d ata kc memorable… the only things i remeber are these: nagpasama ako sa isang kaklase ko para tum** sa cr nmin… hehe, umiyak ako dahil lahat ng bata sa paligid ko e umiiyak dahil wala ang mga nanay nil plus… di ko maisara yung bag ko, maxaddu msikip… nkikipag away-bati ako kay ibarra…. isang kaibigan.. at higit sa lahat!!! ako ang pnakasikat na kinder sa buong mundo… este sa kalahati lang pla ng mundo… bkit?? kasi ako lang nman ang humakot ng klahati ng mga awards na inaaward sa mga kinder [and so they created the word "bibo" hehe, jok uli!!!]tpos ung kalahati sa knila n lng… bka daw mputulan ako ng leeg… ooopppss, sasabihin ko pa ba?? ako ang 1st honor ng kinder a…

elementary years, hmmmm… from first grade to 2nd grade, ako ang 1st honor smen… ewan ko… cguro kc matalino ako nung mga panahon na yun.. but here’s the catch… lagi akong may project na kakaiba every end of the school year!! [something's fishy ba??], then grade three, ako po ang 3rd honor… nagkaroon pa ng eskandalo.. ay indi controversy lang pla.. kc 1st few days ng practice ng recognition day, 2nd honor ako… but i ended up being the 3rd honor… then grade four, then i met rosemarie… hmmm, i wonder what happened to her, xa ang aking puppy love… wahehe.. landi ‘no??  ako ang 3rd ata o fourth honor n’un… d ko na nkita c rosemarie nung recognition day, glit p nga ata sken un nu’n e.. hehe… may love story?? wala nmang love story nu’n… hehe… grade five… wala nang honor… lagi na akong nasa last list ng matatalino[at least nsa listahan... parang dulung dulo.. as in top pon na ako e.. hehe] then the most unforgettable, yung aming speech choir.. enjoi [ket d aq dumadalo nung practice, as in nagtatago ako from th teacher... magyayabang uli ako ha... isa ako sa mga first choices kc magaling ako sa english...] nanalo kami against the fourth and sixth grader for the competition… pure voices and action ang amin[may gumapang, lumuhod, nagsaka, namangka in just their body at may tumakbo from the gate to the stage ng iisang word... freedom oo nga pala.. everytime na sinasabi nmin ung word na freedom, paiba iba ng tono... at ang ikinaganda, our teacher managed to continue despite losing one soloist... pasaway kc un... nag emcee pa sa event...] may sound effects yung sixth grade then, may choreography na maganda sa mata yung fourth grade… sixth grade… hmmm… ipintawag ang mom ko… guess why.. kasi di daw ako bumibili sa tray ng teacher ko 2wing recess.. that’s what public schools are all about… hehe jok lang!!!

my high school years… ok… 1st year… i met good friends… pero maxadung pang first year tlaga ang buhay ko nun as a student… d ako nag rereview, nagkukulitan kami[also known as naglalaro] b4 class, while in class, in between classes, at after classes… and of course… ako ang isa sa mga tinitingalang 1-iodine ng ii… hehe… kapag may test nga lagi silang looking forward to see my test result.. [wahehe. oa 'no?? d 22o un!!!] lagi silang nagugulat kasi ang bilis ko daw sumagot ng test… madalas ako mauna sumagot.. parang bang may +kpag nauna kang mtapos.. kasi ket almost una akong natatapos.. mataas pa rin grade ko… hehe… muntik na ‘ko mging teacher’s pet.. alam nio na… yun bang kapag may mga kaklase na mababa ang grade… pinipilit cla na gumaya sken… as if!! hehe… nging taga bura ako ng bboard at taga buhat ng gamit after class ng english teacher ko… naging leader sa mga experiment na by groups… pero d nman madalas.. hehe PE ang pinaka mababa ko… mababa talaga ako pagdating sa PE… ewan ko ba… interesado nman ako.. pero ung PE alang interst sken… meron pa… ang highlights ng aking 1st year… tragedy… hehe… kasi nman po, ang batch po nmin ang inabot ng 2 tragedy sa loob lng ng isang school year… first.. the great flodd… hehe… how great was it?? well, the school personnells had to take several stuffs to sun dry them… sofa, documents, etc, etc… take note… some of the sun dried stuffs we’re actually at the 2nd floor… hehe… 2nd tragedy… the fire… oo, nasunugan ang ii nung 1st year kami… after the fire, test of survival… xempre ilang araw walang pasok… then, they had to divide the schedules so that all year level could continue their studies… yun bang m w f, 1st year 4th year, t th s, 2nd year 3rd year… tpos nging tag half day ata… basta… i can’t remember exactly how the school managed to accomodate big number of students on the school annex… [buti na lang may annex... hehe]

2nd year, 2 Neon… hmmm.. nagkaroon kami ng class paper.. as in class paper-class lang ang nkakaalam at nkakabasa.. at laging inaabangan ang mga sulat dun… idea ng kaklase ko na nag click… enjoi nman ung section… higher section un… 4th yata nung panahon na yun… nung 1st year kasi, hindi kasama ung section ko sa top 4 sections, though after the top 4 classes… pantay pantay na ang ibang sections… kaya walang lower section… so back to the topic… kahit 4th section un, d kami nag aalala 2ngkol sa grades nmin… basta nag eenjoi kami at nakakapasa kami.. aus na yun… dami nga nmin play e.. parang play lang ang hlights ng 2nd year ko… lagi kasi nagpapa play yung filipino at social teacher nmin… ooopppss.. time na q… next time na nga lang!!!

""If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend."
- Stone Temple Pilots

im tired, from all the pains, im bleeding away. what is life? im numb from it… the only word that stucks on my head… is rest… i need one…

i’ve tried getting myself busy, over something else, but i realized, the one i’m busy of, isn’t something to be busy at all… stupid ei??

i’ve been seeing myself running around… looking for something that i myself can’t tell what. nothing matters now, i need a direction… i need life… and all the things, xcept things life not "has to offer"

my body seeks for adventure, my soul for refuge, my heart for tranquility. im trapped on a maze of never ending puzzles. worst part, the puzzles we’re all about me… and i called it, the mystery of not knowing my own self…

why shall i answer the puzzle on the first place??? i can live without knowing myself… i’ve been doing so for long… for very long…

i needed help, i sought for one. on a place where i’m not supposed to look at. being desperate for one, i continued staying there, looking for my help… and instead, i was pushed on the very deep of needing help… hey!!!

and when i’m almost at the bottom, someone called me… i heard it… and i shed my first real, sincere tear…

thanks…

-to a friend who’s been trying to fix my life, for me…

"hide it, and no one will see it…"

                           -yeah right!!!

I couldn’t tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn’t help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What’s wrong, what’s wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don’t know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
I’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You’ve been rejected, and now you can’t find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don’t know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
It’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can’t find.
She’s losing her mind.
She’s fallen behind.
She can’t find her place.
She’s losing her faith.
She’s fallen from grace.
She’s all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
It’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She’s lost inside, lost inside…oh oh yeah
She’s lost inside, lost inside…oh oh yeah

-NOBODY’S HOME, Avril Lavigne

haaaayyy….

WARNING: FOLLOWING CONTENT MAYBE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH… SO, IF YOU CAN’T  TAKE THESE CONTENTS… GET THE FUCKING OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

i need to take this shit out… puta!! i jusr got this strange feeling na parang kelangan kong magmura… na kelangan kong magalit… na kelangan kong umiyak… wala akong minumura, naglalabas lang ng gustong lumabas, pero…

putang ina nman o… what’s wrong ba with me??? bakit parang lahat ng ginagawa ko walang kinalalabasan… parang nasa loob lang ako ng bilog… walang simula walang dulo… walang choice kundi magsimula sa simula.. ulitin ang nagawa na.. makuha ang same results na pilit kong iniiwasan… gusto kong umiyak… but i’m on a public place… shame takes over my sadness… wala akong nakikitang dahilan para umiyak… but i just feel like crying… ewan ko… maybe it’s just plain denial kung bakit sinasabi kong wala akong makitang dahilan… actually meron…

nasa loob lang akong continuing life ko… boring xa kung susumahin… parang exciting para sa isang moment, pero kapag naupo ka sa isang tabi at irereview mo ang buhay mo, you’ll end up tryin to get urself killed… gusto ko ng mamatay… oo, pero ayokong magpakamatay… ayokong mamatay na isang walang kwentang tao.. ayokong mamatay na walang umiiyak sa funeral ko… im feeling very very lonely… ewan… may mga tao akong na kakausap… they are good friends to me… the worse part is, di ko pinapaalam sa kanila yung problems ko… basta…. nagulat na lang ako.. alll of a sudden ganto ang laman ng blog ko…

stupidity is consuming my very self…  loneliness is the only word i know by now… hindi ako madalas malungkot tungkol sa buhay ko… pero madalas akong magsisi dahil sa buhay na meron ako… alam ko i need help… but i don’t need immediate aid… ayokong may lalapit sken at sabihin… in jesus name, magpakabait ka!!!! puta!!! bigyan nio nman ako ng treatment na kailangan ko… hindi ko kailangang masalo from falling… i need someone to deccelerate yung pagkakahulog ko sa bangin ng stupid life…. putang ina… di ko makita ung font ko…

kailangan ko lang nmang ma ease yung pain ko… di ko kelangan na mawala yung pain… kaya kong tiisin yan hanggang sa ikamatay ko yan… pero nakakasawa rin namang umiyak sa kakaaray the whole day…

in admit ko naman na i need help… spiritually… physically… mentally… pero, this is my only way para masabi ko sa sarili ko na there’s something i’m good at, gusto ko lang ng recognition… gusto ko lang na mapabilang sa isang society… gusto ko lang maramdaman na tao ako… tao… hindi taong makasalanan… hindi taong masama… o kung anu man…

                "IF GOD WILL GIVE ME POWERS… I WOULD                                        LOVE TO HAVE CONTROL OVER TIME… I NEED IT…!!!"

tae nman o!!! basahin nio na nga lang ‘to!

There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide.
Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering
the fundamental question of philosophy.
  - Albert Camus

If I believed in an outside force that we wanted to call God,
and I believe that there is one, I think God would appreciate what I say,
because I can’t see God wanting to create a world full of idiots.
  - Marilyn Manson

It’s asking a great deal that things should appeal to your reason
as well as your sense of the aesthetic.
  - W. Somerset Maugham, ‘Of Human Bondage’, 1915

Agnostic (n). A God-fearing atheist

I don’t care if it rains or freezes,
‘long as I’ got my plastic Jesus,
sittin’ on the dashboard of my car;
It makes no difference if we hit a bump,
-he’s held on by a suction cup,
sittin’ on the dashboard of my car.
I can even go a hundr’d miles-an-hour,
as long as I’ve got that dee-vine power,
sittin’ on the dashboard of my car.
- "Plastic Jesus," circa 1969, sign-on song of disk jockey Don Imis

…But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries,
has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
  - Mark Twain

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"

If we do not need to worship God six days in the week,
why do we need to worship him on the seventh?
- Lemuel K. Washburn

I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing.
You people don’t celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
  - Serendipity (Dogma)

Atheist Christmas movie: "Coincidence On 34th Street"

There are no facts, only interpretations.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Where facts are few, experts are many.
  - Donald R. Gannon

Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?
Hobbes: I’m not sure that man needs the help.

Do you think people know what they want?
- God (Bruce Almighty)

That only which we have within, can we see without.
If we meet no gods, it is because we harbor none.
If there is a grandeur in you, you will find grandeur in porters and sweeps.
  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every man is a God, if he chooses to recognize this fact.
- Anton LaVey

You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God… and where can you go from there?
- John Milton aka Satan (The Devil’s Advocate)

I had an experience. I can’t prove and can’t explain. But everything that I know as a human being tells me that it was real. I was given something wonderful, that changed me forever. A vision of the universe, that tells us undeniably, that we belong to something that is greater than ourselves, and that none of us is alone.
- Ellie Arroway (Contact)

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal
that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.
  - Edward P. Tryon

I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of Him.
  - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Before God we are all equally wise—and equally foolish.
  - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
  - H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

To be a saint is the exception; to be upright is the rule. Err, falter, sin, but be upright. To commit the least possible sin is the law for man. Sin is a gravitation.
  - Victor Hugo, ‘Les Miserables’

A hypocrite is a person who—but who isn’t?
- Don Marquis

It would be very nice if there were a God who created the world and was a benevolent providence, and if there were a moral order in the universe and an after-life; but it is a very striking fact that all this is exactly as we are bound to wish it to be.
- Sigmund Freud

And God said, "Jeeze, this is dull." And it *was* dull.
  - Genesis 0:0

Own only what you can carry with you; know language, know countries,
know people. Let your memory be your travel bag.
  - Alexander Solzhenitsyn

He who never thinks of anything as ‘mine’ does not feel the lack of anything:
he is never worried by a sense of loss.
  - Buddha (568-488 BC, Founder of Buddhism)

Never eat more than you can lift.
  - Miss Piggy

It ain’t the parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

Feminist theologians tell us that God is female.
But what about the devil? What about her?

I‘m looking for loopholes.
- WC Fields, when caught reading the Bible

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.
- Jane Wagner

Never take ecstasy, beer, baccardi, weed, pepto bismol, vivarin, tums, tagamet hb, xanax, and valium in the same day.  It makes it difficult to sleep at night.
  - Eminem, on drugs

Comic Truth #2: Exposure to deadly radiation = Super powers.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Men show their characters in nothing more clearly
than in what they think laughable.
  - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Whoever controls the media—the images—controls the culture.
  - Allen Ginsberg

Did your parents just make me up so you’d be a good boy?
- The Devil (Bedazzled)

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled on the world
was convincing us he didn’t exist.
  - Verbal Kent (Usual Suspects)

The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad,
has made the world ugly and bad.
  - Friedrich Nietzsche

The greatest ignorance is rejecting that which
you know absolutely nothing about.
  - Jessica Branch

I still went to church regularly, though, until I was eighteen years old.
Then suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. All the mindless
morbidity and discipline was pretty sick - bleeding this, painful that
and no meat on Friday. What is this shit?"
- Frank Zappa

Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

People break down into two groups when they experience something lucky. Group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching over them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just happy chance. And surely, the people in Group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in very suspicious way. For them, the situation is fifty-fifty. Could be bad, Could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they’re on their own. And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there’s a whole lot of people in Group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they’re looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever’s going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. So what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you:  Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?
- Graham Hess (Signs)

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
  - Voltaire

I am convinced that the world is not a mere bog in which men and women trample themselves and die. Something magnificent is taking place here amidst the cruelties and tragedies, and the supreme challenge to intelligence is that of making the noblest and best in our curious heritage prevail.
  - C.A. Beard

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.
  - Mahatma Gandhi

I shall tell you a great secret my friend.
Do not wait for the last judgment, it takes place every day.
  - Albert Camus

click here to explore the whole site

t naiihi na ako!! buixet… sandali ah!!!

…

xet… sira ilau nung cr nung cafe..

…

o!! game na!!!

"What do I have to do to get your attention?
Take out an ad in the paper?"

God         

waaaahh!!!

click nio to to explore the whole site!!!

12mn spoke to me…

the clock became my enemy while the moon becomes a friend to me…

loneliness is on my plate… it feeds me, and serves me with misery, I am the appetizer, the main course and the dessert, even the snack…

tv shows are my company… all tell tales of me and me… of how big i am… on my own life…

the clock strike still, and its hurting my eyes, but not my soul… neither my heart… they are too numb for anything…

i asked for company… through the laughing ears of media… one ring… i replied… but the ring kept still… was it my reply? or it’s just plain me, im sure i did reply… the ring became noise that i no more can handle… i had the company i was asking for… a company that pushes me more to the depts of loneliness…

there’s a mistake, i declined and retried… one ring… this time i didn’t replied… i just answered… and the ring stopped, a few seconds, it became voices… few seconds more, it became a story… more, it became a conversation… i got the company that satisfies me… it managed to turn three hours to ten seconds… but, with full denial on my mind, the company ended… ended… at that very moment… at that very night.. it will never happen again… never…will never…

the ring’s good… i can get one again–a conversation that will never happen again, but i can get one again… next day… and to the next.. and so on…

the clock… it shouted 4 am, it shouted loneliness…

the night breeze started getiing stronger, and colder…

am i cold? i searched for something warm… since, that is the least thing i can do… look, but not get it…

shall i sleep now??

…

…

"

tulog na mahal ko
hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
lika na, tulog na tayo.
tulog na mahal ko
wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama
saka na mamroblema

tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
kung matulog, matulog ka na…

tulog na mahal ko
nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo
sige na, tulog na muna
tulog na mahal ko
at baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas
at sabay natin haharapin ang mundo

tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
kung matulog, matulog ka na…

hanggang makatulog ka"

-tulog na, sugarfree

paxenxa… feeling insomniac kc ako e!!! harhar!!! [white fonts nnman!!! not again!!!]