A Deimoan WolfeCry

I was drowning my self with loneliness…

Flooded deeply by apathy.

Grieving, though i shouldn’t.

I dozed myself with self pity.

Longing for someone never existed,

Craving for something i never experienced.

Eyes, bleeding in tears
just to know what to feel

Heart forcing to beat just to remember bliss.

Wrist cut, and throat choked.

I try to deny the meaning of life.

Hoping i never have existed.

Hoping not to feel so wasted.

Surrounded by sadness,

Tear-wet palms, covering my face.

Trying to shed darkness in my well-lighted space.

Breath gasping for death.

… then someone tapped me in the shoulder.
.

said ‘emman, you are never forgotten.’

then…
for the first time in my life.

i gave a true smile
and learned the true intonation of sincerity.

"Thanks"

you proved me, i shouldn’t be trying to kill myself.

— PARA SA MGA BUMATI AT NAKA ALALA —

– At lalo’t higit, para sa mga nawawalan ng direksyon ang buhay —

— FIND YOURSELF A FRIEND, its quite comforting —

-
– And most of all, never hate your family, they are the ones you’ll end up sleeping with whatever your days may be —

– Hope Alexanders, 6 y/o —

- his first fear.

‘You’re such a baby!’
It was noel, his bestfriend. They were on their way home and Hope just cried after seeing some kid knocked by the bullies.

‘What are you saying?’

‘I am saying that, you are a baby, why would you even care about that loser?’

‘He’s not a loser, you know that. He’s just a good target to bully.’

‘I do think he’s a loser!’

‘Liar, you pity him, too.’

‘How can you say that?, i wasnt even crying. unlike you.’

‘Uhmmm.. i just know.’

As soon as he came near the bullied kid, his pity for him grew. He thinks he’s hopeless. That no one would really dare to help him. That his life will end at that time. That the 4 3rd-graders are going to torture him to death.

Someone has to help that loser.

Then suddenly, just suddenly, he walked to the bullys and plans to help the loser. Noel, though shocked, tried to pull Hope’s arm to stop him but his too sure of what he’s doing that facing those 3rd graders doesnt bother him.Noel was just left waiting what will happen next.

When he came few steps from them, he just felt something strange. ‘Oh no, what the hell am i thinking trying to help that loser from four 3rd graders?’
‘Make them, four 3rd-grader bullies!!!’

He changed his mind and tried to go back to where his bestfriend is standing. But it was too late, the bullies already noticed him and are walking straight to him. He grew scared scolding his self for doing such a thing, But he just feels that he wants to help the loser so he tried to hide his fear. The first big kid pushed him right away which dropped him to the pavement. Right after being pushed, he grew scared. More scared than before. Like three times scared, as he defines. The big kid laughed. The other kid walked to him and asked him if he has any money so they would spare him. Though scared, he stood and told him he does but he wont give them.  The kid grew angry and tried to kick his face. Hope just clasped his eyes, scared. Though scared, he wants to fight back, but instead he waited for the kid’s foot to touch his face.

3 seconds…

Nothing came.
Still fighting his fear, he kept his eyes closed wondering when the kid will attack.

5 seconds and he no longer is scared. The foot still hasnt reached any part of his body.

10 seconds.

He decided to open his left eye. The four kids were shaking. All pale. As if there were something that just scared the hell out of them. He stood up, the kids continued to tremble. He doesnt know why but the kids were just scared of him. Puzzled, he walked near to one of them, the one who pushed him. The fat kid stood right away and ran, crying for help. The other two followed him shouting in fear. The last kid was too shrieked that he can barely move. Bursting in tears and trembling in fear, the kid, who before was about to kick him in his face, just fainted in front of him. Still puzzled of what really is happening, he looked at the loser kid. The loser was scared too and just ran away.

He wanted to help the kid who fainted, but Noel just grabbed his arm and pulled him running away.

After Noel confirmed that they are far enough from the kid, he stopped and gasped for air.

‘What happened?’

‘I dont know’

‘But they were scared of you!’

‘Do i look that tough for them to act that way?’

‘Nah! Maybe your just plain scary!!’ Noel laughed .

‘The other kid. The one who fainted. He was crying in fear.’

‘Yeah! so is the loser kid! How did you do that?’

‘I dont know, all i remember is i was really really scared, i closed my eye and try not to be scared. After a few seconds, i wasnt scared at all’

‘I was scared for you, too. But not as scared as they were!!’

‘It feels like my fear just scared them off’

‘Like you transfered it to them? Oh cmon!! You were just plain scary!! Believe me.’

‘I dont know.’

- to be continued -

Alas dos y medya.

Mabigat na ang mata ko.
Gayon naman ang katawan.
Subalit ayaw sumang ayon ng aking diwa.

Sa ganitong oras ko lamang magagawa,
ang mga di magawa sa araw.
sa araw, kung saan harap ko ang mga tao.
Na buong tiwala sa aking kakayahan.

Sa ganitong oras lamang ako maaring umiyak.
At sabihing hindi ko na kaya.

Sa ganitong oras ko lamang
Maaring matugon ang yakap kong hinahanap.

Sa ganitong oras ko lamang
Ako’y maaring maging ako.
Ang mahina
Walang alam
At hindi maasahang ako.
Ang taong walang kayang gawin.

Sa ganitong oras ko lamang mapaluluwag
Ang dibdib kong tigib na sa hapdi
Dusa, pagod at ngalay
Sa pagtago ng tunay
At nararapat kong nadarama.

Sa ganitong oras,
Di ko kailangang ngumiti
maging masaya
maging propesyunal
maging malakas.

Sa ganitong oras lamang ako malaya.

Kaya’t hindi tama
Na hayaan ko
Na ang antok
At pagod
Ay sayangin ang natatangi kong oras
Upang ang ako

Ay maging ako.

Alas dos na ng umaga.
Kailangan ko pang magpahinga
hindi para mapawi ang pagod
Bagkus upang makapagtabi ng lakas.

Samahan mo ako ngayong madaling araw.
At pagmasdan ang tunay kong pagkatao.

……… Grrrrrrrr ……..

Oweee!!

The curse has been proven once again.

As you can remember, i mentioned earlier that that will be a start of a good day.

But now, everything turned out the other way around!!

Lots of things to be done

Got lots of problems to resolve.

Lots of explaining to do

And lots of threats to outwit.

Grrrr…

I sure had a good day!

Still

-Had outlived a day, and a lifetime to thrive-

INAANTOK NA AKO….

Tell me how to sleep with your eyes closed, when your looking for something to snuggle you in bed.

G A D D A N G I T

I wasnt thinking, yes.

Someone, actually, something bigger, was offended by my acts, now i had to apologize for that. And now, i have to remember things that chains with the act that i had done. im a little stupid i know. but hell, this is one hellafa stupidity.

Some may know what it is.

Some may not.

But i must tell you, the result is actually obviously effective.

…. Now im starting to feel that im gonna miss my self…

.Hell may it be. But this is the consequence of needing something. As i mentioned this morning. Mahirap maging mahirap.

—> now all im waiting for is someone who’s gonna tell me…

!וֹ!

Y O U  A R E  F I R E D !וֹ!

.. darn!! i must admit, i’m getting excited…

This must be a start of a good day.

- A headache.
- Lots of laundry
- A need for a haircut
- Php 1,164.00 in hand
- A work left to be done.
- A hot sun wandering around
- And 14 more hours to enjoy the day.

Hell should i do??

I dont want to ruin this day (not to mention yesterday, too was supposed to be my day off, technically, yes it was my day off since i didnt do my job, only, i did someone else’s and i had to stay at the office since my co-worker, a trainee, had to stay alone. O f course, as the person-in-charge, i should not leave her). Not that yesterday was already a bad day. but, i was not paid for that day. What do you expect me to feel??

As for now, i should be out, enjoying the life outside the office. But damn! my laundry has to be done!

And i have a headache.

Havent bathed yet.

And the shitty sun is proving that it is summer.

Hell!

Hell!

Hell!

And, another thing, we have a big problem at home. God!! Hirap maging mahirap.

… just want to share. had a day to live. and a lifetime to thrive.

. G A D D A N G I T.

BGM: Karma Police / Tonight tonight by Panic @ the disco
http://boisakatihan.imeem.com/playlist/jZMpXWa-/versus_music_playlist/

… Selling My Emotions …

Naglalakad sa hardin,
Nililibot ko ang buong paligid.
Sa kamay, palad ko ang aking damdamin.
Naghahanap ng maglilimos
At tatanggap sa aking mga hinaing.

___Tinsel Tunes___

Standing right here,
I wander for presence.
and longed for company
that fills what i lack.

Hundred steps passed afront me,
While i look for a face
familiar to me.

I ran and chased,
those i think i knew,
but just when i touch them
they would rot and askew.
And left me thinking,
to these strangers i must draw.

Longing for someone
To stand right beside me,
I decided to play
My will-be friend a tune.

So i took my violin,
And rushed for a song.
Touched her strings
And mingled along.

One wave of the bow,
and out tune a do
She seemed to agree
and threw me a re

Notes by notes, i created a song.
Little by little, i threw out a howl.
Craving for someone to play by my soul.

Hours passed, and we had attuned,
But still not an ear seem to astound
my every tune and every sound

Midnight has passed, no audience to befriend,
The walking of the crowd, to me still a fiend.
Like stream our song would not seem to end,
Unless a stranger would decide to append.

nights have gone longer than what i could handle
the continuous playing grow me to spindle
making me feel like a well played tinsel.

Until now,
At the center of this well crowded park,
i keep on waiting for someone to hark
and play along with my lonely song
and give me the chance,

to belong.

— para sa mga taong naghahanap ng kasama —
— at lalo’t higit, sa taong itinatangging, hindi niya kailangan ng kasama —

… Selling My Emotions …

Naglalakad sa hardin,
Nililibot ko ang buong paligid.
Sa kamay, palad ko ang aking damdamin.
Naghahanap ng maglilimos
At tatanggap sa aking mga hinaing.

_Paper Heart_

At a distance, i saw a couple,
In hand they held their hearts,
Trying to fit them together.

I told myself.
I need one too,
Badly.
But I, no longer have my heart

Instead,
I folded myself a Paper Heart.
It looked good,
And seem, may live if fit to a living heart.

I managed to find someone.
Able to give life,
With her grace and beauty.

I approached her and offered her my paper heart.

She smiled, And gave me a fake heart.
I kept it.
And hoped she will, too, with my paper heart.

I took her fake heart and kept it.
Hoping that i will be able to give life to it.

I showed her how it is to keep a heart.
How to nurse an unwilling heart,
and feed it with all my life.
But she showed me how to rip a paper heart.

As time passes by,
hers would not seem to change.
Still it is the same fake heart.

More, it grew pale.

So i decided to feed it with my life.

I drip-bled my wrist, and offer her my life.
Hoping she will appreciate it
And bring life to it.

But as time goes by,
And pints of blood keeps flowing.
Her fake heart just wont satisfy.

Soon,
Ashes, it brushed fell from my palms.
Weak-blinded,
I pick swept the ashes

Weakened, but determined,
Or maybe just plain desperate.
I cut deep my chest
And showered her ashed fake heart
with the rest of me.

Breeze came,
and blew the ashes away,
Along with the rest of me.
But it blew back the pieces
of my ripped paper heart.

Numb,
I brought them back together

Days after,
My paper heart looked good
Good enough to be used again.

Though Crumpled,
I held my refolded Paper Heart,
And sat back from where i started from.

At the center of the garden,
Beside the sign:

‘Paper heart! 3¢’

— Para sa mga desperadong magmahal —
— At Para sa Naniniwala pa ring, mamatay siya sa bisig ng kaniyang minamahal —

21 years

i must say its quite a long time.
and never have i figured out
how does happy sounds like in a happy birthday.

I heard it once.
On a party with balloons and clowns.

Twice
On a room, with someone i loved.

Thrice
From a friend stuck in a wide grin.

even four times
From my parents, with a cake at hand.

but if ill listen on the passed happy birthdays,
they come in a very pale sound.

As if it was told so,
enough just for me to hear it.

Being fed up
with those words
change my meaning of happy.

and i think,
its the selfish feeling of having fun
and being high
of the feeling
ignoring everything around you.
giving way for your heart
to cover your mistakes and frustrations,
to forget your purpose and your ambitions,
and to alter fear and hate of the person beside you.

happiness is temporary
and stays as long as your mind and your heart says so.

in that case,
i must have had a lot of happy birthdays.

but why do birthdays come?
should we celebrate our existence,
in the midst of our mere desperation for death?

aren’t we supposed to celebrate birthdays
after our deaths?
that we shouldnt celebrate the day we have existed
since it was the start of you ‘only-god-knows-until-when’ long journey of death?
arent we supposed to celebrate the thought of outliving life?
after all its problems meant to be unsolved?
mistakes meant to be not forgiven.
pain meant to be unforgotten?
fear meant to make us thrive?
hate meant to bear after an unforgiving lover?

memories are not supposed to be brought after life,
only the ones who are alive,
and has the ‘living energy’ to trigger the memories of the brain
are allowed to remember memories.

the soul, in the other hand,
is supposed to forget its Earthly body
face God
and shoulder judgment?

so why make good ones?
it will only burden the people left behind.

Whenever my birthday comes,
I reminisce the days i have lived,
And i always find myself
Crying
For
For 21 years that i have lived,
Never had i ever heard someone tell me,
I shall remember you after your death.

I had only made my life happy.
But never meaningful.

Meaningful, as others may see it,
since i had been someone others could rely to.

But that for me is never meaningful.
Its functional.

Meaning is the thing that gives you the reason to live,
but gives you the contentment to die.

Function is the thing that gives you the reason to live,
so that others may live too.

I never asked God to let me live,
but he commanded me to.
He wants someone to nurture His creations.
And He wants someone to love Him.

How fair?
that it takes a lifetime of kindness,
chastity, charity, meekness, love and all sorts,
to ensure your stairways to heaven.
But it takes only a second of lust
to ruin your long lived ‘godliness’
and throw you into the lakes of fire?

I do not hate life.
But i do not love it.

i know i can never have both.
– a life to love
and a love to live for –
but does it has to come the other way around?
– a life to hate
and a hell to live for –

was i never listed
as a son of God?

As for now,
All i can wish for,
is to finally have a purpose,
and to die
with a crowded funeral,
filled with sincere tears
and honest messages.

that i can say,
will erase all the unhappy birthdays
that have passed my life.

— Para sa akin —
— At lalo’t higit, para sa nais akong marinig —

Kung susulat ako ng kanta,
Hindi ito magiging maganda
Hindi dahil di ako inspirado.
Kundi dahil wala akong motibo.

Kung gagawa ako ng kanta,
Ipatutungkol ko naman saan?

Sa pag ibig ba?
Na kahit kaila’y
hindi ko pa nadarama.
Ni minsa’y di naranasan,
ang sa ibang tao’y mapagsilbihan.

Sa pamilya ba?
Na ang akala’y
buong puso ko silang minamahal,
gayong ayon sa aking alala,
Napalaki akong may takot sa mismong kapamilya.

Sa buhay ba?
Na sa aking hinuha,
Hindi na magigi maganda.
Pagkat ang lahat kong natatamasa,
Ay ang masayang pangarap ng iba.
At hindi ang msmong payapa,
At panaginip kong nasa?

Kung uutusan mo akong gumawa ng kanta,
Kayang kaya kong gumawa.

Maaring maganda sa pandinig ng iba,
O maantig sa iyong panlasa,
Ngunit kung ako ang aawit, babasa,
Mas masahol pa
Sa iyak ng mga lobo’t
Sigaw ng papatay ng daga

Sapagkat ang awit ang pagmumula,
Ay patago kong lungkot at dusa.

Utusan mo akong gumawa ng kanta,
At hindi ka sakin masasawi.
Dahil ang isipan ko’t labi,
Sa kasinungalinga’y magaling maghabi.

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