A Deimoan WolfeCry

Whew.

After my first week, it sure will be tougher. Parang kasali sa isang reality show, everything you do will affect the outcome. I just wish that ill be able to make it up to the last part. Gee, akala ko hindi aabutin nang ganun katagal. I need to improve a lot on myself. I need to be more friendly, confident, professional, and stuffs. Kailangan mawala sakin yung nangangatog At saka yung lumalapot ang utak kapag kinakabahan (kadiri no?) Everything blurs. Words, ideas, the situation, what i should do, what i should NOT do. Hayy. I just need to be more focused from now on. I need this job. Kailangan kong isipin na parang nag aaral lang ako.

Hindi ako nagpuyat nang isang linggo para lang sa wala. And besides, God gave me this job, I have to have it. I just need a LOT of help from Him.

Anything stupid i did this week?

Yes! I went with three of my co-trainees who plan to go to a gym. Harhar. Well, yeah, i have to do something about my body, but, come on, kahit kailangan kong magkalaman, mas kailangan kong mabuhay. I mean, if ill go to gym right after the training, ill die for sure. First, wala namang instructor, so sinong magsasabi sa akin kung anong dapat kong gawin una? Eh kung maisipan kong magbuhat ng barbel? Well, i need to at least gain some weight first. Or else, magmumukha akong tanga sa loob ng gym.

The truth is, wala kasi akong kasabay pauwi. Haay! Peer pressure, i thought sa hish school lang yun. wahehehe.

Sabihin mo sakin.

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Kung limang taon kitang dapat kilalanin, bakit mo ko tinatakot ng pagbitaw?Dahil ba panatag kang hahabulin kita?

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Kung para sakin ka, bakit mo pinapakita sa akin kung gaano ka kapangit? Dahil ba ayaw mong tumandang hawak ko ang kamay mo?

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Kung ikaw ang pumili sa akin, bakit mo ako binibigyan ng pagsubok? Dahil ba hindi ako ang siyang inaasahan mo?

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Kung mahal mo nga ako, bakit hindi mo na lang ako pakasalan? Dahil ba alam mong hindi ako marunong magmahal?

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Wag kang mag alala, dahil sa lahat lahat ng ginagawa mo sakin, hindi ako magsisising sumuko, dahil ganito kita kamahal, kayang kaya kong pasayahin ka sa pamamagitan nang pagkitil sa sarili kong hininga.

Kiss my lips as if you like me.

Hug me tight and fool my palms.

Warm me up with your smile

And burn me down with my desire.

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Beautiful it seems to me,

As you flicker right in front.

Light sways and shadows groove.

Add it up with rising heat.

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Let me enjoy your unignorable sheer,

Let me lay with the thought of your body.

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And while my mind feeds on this dream

Ash my heart down with your flesh eating fire

Flood it out with your secret mist

Of lies, disloyalty, and disgust.

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When nothing is left for you to devour,

Leave me out with the dust of my cremains.

Dancing foolishly with songs of flare

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Sabi ng nanay ko matulog na daw ako.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi pa naman ako inaantok. Wala namang pasok bukas. Wala naman kaming praktis. Gusto ko pang manuod ng TV. Kung matutulog ako, hindi ko matatapos yung pinapanuod ko. Anung oras pa lang ba? Alas nuwebe. May papanuorin pa ako pagkatapos nito eh.

Huwag daw akong makulit, Matulog na ako.

Tinanong ko siya, bakit? Gabi na daw. Sabi ko naman, kaninang alas sais din gabi na, bakit ngayon niya lang sinabing matulog na ako? Naasar yata, hinila ako sa sofa tapos pinalo ako nang malakas. Napilitan tuloy akong tumakbo sa kuwarto ko.

Matulog na daw ako, pero hindi ako inaantok.

Parang gusto lang naman akong pagalitan ni mama. Siguro may gusto siyang panuorin? Puwede naman niyang sabihin sakin eh, baka mamaya pareho pala kami ng papanuorin. Ang dami daming basta ni mama. Yung Trabaho niya, yung mga lalaking naghahatid sa kanya, pati yung iniiyak niya nung isang gabi. Kinulit ko siya kung bakit siya umiiyak, pinalo ba naman ako. Mahirap naman kasing maging solong anak, lahat ikaw, saya, galit, pag asa, panlulumo. Nasan ba kasi ang tatay ko? Parang wala naman siya sa Amerika eh, kasi nagtatrabaho pa rin si Mama, saka bakit hindi ako marunong mag Ingles? Si mama nga ni hindi din eh. Nagugutom tuloy ako.

Matulog na daw ako, eh magtetelebabad lang pala si mama eh.

Pupunta sana ako sa kusina kaso narinig kong umiiyak si mama. Nakita ko siyang may kausap sa telepono. Pinapapunta niya dito. Makikipagtelebabad na makikipagkuwentuhan pa. Bahala na daw yung kausap niya sa kanya. Sino siya?

Matulog na daw ako, eh mag aayos lang pala ng bahay si mama.

Uminom na lang ako ng tubig. Wala naman kasing laman pala yung ref namin, kahit asukal. Matutulog na lang ako, baka bukas ng umaga may daladala na si mama na masarap na agahan, sabi ni mama, importante daw ang agahan, kaya laging masarap ang agahan namin. pag hapunan, o kaya tanghalian, hindi daw masyado, kaya wala kaming kinakain na madami kapag tanghalian o hapunan. Napapapikit na ako nung biglang may mahinang pukpok akong naririnig. Pag silip ko, si mama lang pala. Nag aayos ng bahay. Nagtatali pa ng lubid sa kisame, ano kayang gagawin niya dun? Duyan? Para sakin? Bakit parang ang ikli ng lubid? hindi ko naman abot yun eh. Naku, baka may nabili siyang duyan, tapos tatalian niya lang ng lubid. Matutulog na ako, para bukas pag ayos na yung duyan, makakapaglaro na ako dun.

Matutulog na nga ako. Para makita ko yung surpresang duyan ni mama.

Hindi ako nahirapang matulog kagabi. Inaantok na din ako eh. Napanaginipan ko pa nga yung duyan na ilalagay ni mama. Malaki yun kasinglaki niya. Kulay pula at itim. Medyo basa yung hawakan, basa pa yata kasi yung pinturang pula. Tinetesting ni mama yung duyan. Lumayo daw muna ako dahil iduduyan niya nang malakas baka matamaan ako. Nung mapansin kong umaga na tumakbo kagad ako sa inaayos na duyan ni mama. Gusto ko nang makita yon.

Matulog na daw ako, matutulog lang pala sa duyan si mama.

Pagtingin ko sa inayos na duyan ni mama kagabi, nakita ko siya. Nakatulog yata siya sa duyan, hindi na kasi siya gumagalaw eh. Bakit nasa leeg ni mama yung lubid? Ganung klaseng duyan pala yung gawa ni mama, sinsabit sa leeg. Baka napagod siya kakaayos ng duyan, iduduyan ko na lang siya. Dito na lang ako hanggang magising siya.

Matulog na daw ako, pero si mama hindi natulog kagabi, yan tuloy ang haba ng tulog niya ngayon.

Ang tagal naman magising ni mama.

… Gusto ko na din sumakay sa duyan na gawa niya.

I know, i promised my loyalty to you. I can even still remember those exact words, or the excerpt i quoted. But, why do you love tests? Am I a student to you? I know that you already know me, cause you’ve been with me for long. But does knowing me give you the right to shatter all my hopes at the exact time I am few inches away from my top? Look, you have forsaken me already, and your peace offering is something i cannot resist, so i bought it. But my sinnest side yells at me, there’s a flaw in his offering. And im biting it. The same way eve did to the snake’s apple. The scoreboard says, you - 1 point, snake - .99 point. I held your hand right? Was my hands weren’t warm enough to feel like it’ll last? Look, im making a promise, to myself, and im very very serious about it. Im shaking at the idea but all of these lead to zero if it fails anyway. Back to the promise, I will, with no doubt, and in full conviction, kill my self in the event that all that you gave me will be taken back right away. I gave my all here. If there’s someone around here who has the right to say this, I am.

I know you know me. But one thing’s for sure, I DONT KNOW MYSELF, and the idea of you leaving me after all this, suicide will not be an option for me but a second step.

Please, I’ve already disappointed my self many times.

Please dont let me think that life is a game. That the only way to play this game is to keep winning or to get a ‘game over’ sign in front of my eyes.

Im begging you.

You have to love me now. Or else, no one else will. Not even myself.

thanks,

Emman.

ngayon na ang araw.

Oo. Hinintay ko ‘to.

Hindi nga ako makatulog.

Dahil baka magising ako. Mahirap na.

Malamig pala ang kama ko.

Kaya pala ako pinagpapawisan ngayon.

Malapad pala ang kumot ko,

Kaya hindi ako magkasya kahit ilatag ko pa.

Maluwang pala ang kuwarto ko,

Hindi nakakagulat na hindi ako makahinga,

ni makagalaw man lang.

Napupuspos ako nang pagdiriwang.

Sa wakas, may kwenta na ulit ako.

At sa pagkakataong ito,

Kailangan ko lang maging inutil.

Gabi pa lang ba talaga?

O sadya lang malakas ang sinag ng araw?

Madilim kasi masyado ang ilaw dagitab

Nasisilaw tuloy ako sa kalsadang nilalakaran ko.

Teka,

Anu bang lugar ang pupuntahan ko?

Sapat na ba ang balang dala ko?

Para iputok sa mga obispo at mongheng makikilala ko?

Sapat bang mangumpisal ako

Nang manatili sa akin ang kasalanan?

Sana, kapag napatay ko na ang bawat hentil,

samaritano, madre, sakristan at mangkukulam

sa simbahang sisilaban ko,

gawin akong santo

nang lahat ng satanista at kristyanong

magkakahawak kamay ngayon.

magluluksa ako nang buong pagdiriwang

sa kadahilanang magbabago na

ang lumalaki ko nang pagkatao.

– Para sa lahat ng nagdududa sa kabila ng dahilan para magdiwang –

– At lalo’t higit para sa mga taong ginawang komplikado ang pinasimple na nilang buhay –

It was a figure of speech

when i told you i dont like you.

But you took it so literally,

that you left me out suddenly.

I shouldnt’ve cared,

since it wasn’t the first time.

Nor second, third or fourth.

yeah, i never been with you anyways,

even though it feels like i did.

then come a day

when you probably be sleeping beside me again

that, got me excited.

cause for sure ill be having you for keeps.

and we were happy.

or i for that moment.

err, for the whole moment i suppose.

i even painted a future for us.

I was so happy, glad, overwhelmed

(or whatever word might fit)

that i missed out your broken stares

and haven’t figured what really is going on.

i should thank him i guess,

cause if not for him,

you shouldn’t have fooled me again.

for the fifth time.

thanks, it was too good to be true anyways.

September 22, NBC will be airing their 3rd season for one of the greatest show i saw. We (the fans of course) waited for long for this day. And some channels are giving us a few re-runs to refresh us with the last two seasons and for others to catch up with the story. But why would you watch heroes? Ill try to give you a few reasons, but i really wish i can give you all that i can. But it will make me sound like a geek. And i dont like the sound of that(eventhough i am).

Why watch heroes?

Because everybody wants to have their own hero. This is a show about being a hero in someone else’s life, may it be with superhuman abilities or not.

youll love it more if you have a few issues in life that you wish you could fix. cause i can assure you, one of them has the same as yours.

this is not a story of one, two, five, seven or nine persons, it’s a story of ordinary people with extraordinary abilities.

its about superhuman abilities and not super powers. What’s the difference? It will make sense this way, superhuman abilities - heroes and kyle x y, superpowers - xmen, mutant x, smallville. heroes is about people who have abilities that helps their ordinary lives easier but is still complicated by these abilities. Nobody wear tights. And i wish they won’t, not ever. You won’t see a superhuman flying around scaring normal people.

The story does not end on TV. The heroes aren’t just those you see on the show, there are others. You can see their relations with the acting characters by checking the official site, and the holy ‘graphic novel.’ There are external sites related to the show too, like Claire’s myspace, “the company’s” site, Hana Gitelman’s blogs, A site for Chandra Suresh’s research and his book, an actual market sold book of Hiro and Charlie’s love story.

If you’ll check those, you’ll find the story as not just a tv show but an alterworld.

If there’s a hero, there’s a villain. (Viran, as what Hiro would say). And when these villains attack, they make a perfect crime.

They emphasize each abilities. Telekinesis not just for moving objects but also for opening brains, Mental Telepathy not just for hearing thoughts but giving thoughts thus manipulating that person.

They (the writers) try their best so that no one becomes a demi-human. There is just one ability for one person, it is just emphasized. Neutralizing is emphasized by memory erasing. Or maybe the other way around. (explanation: An ability is neutralized by the haitian making him immune from any, memory erasing is like the advanced form of it, like, neutralizing is the passive part, and the other is the active)

Their abilities are their own issues. The Haitian’s father forsaken him because of his ability, Niki’s superstrength can’t be contained on her physical body, so her mind is compromised giving her multiple personalities. (explanation, her logical brain sees she’s stronger than the strongest man alive, so her creative brain tells her it’s not her). Peter’s empathic mimicry makes him too emotional.

Endless list of abilities. Superstrength, audiosensitive, supersight, telekinesis, time-space continuum manipulation, empathic mimicry, adoptive muscle memory, clairesentinence, clairevoyance, bliss and horror, intuitive aptitude, and more.

More abilities means more people, more people means more nationalities.

Time-Space continuum manipulation gives the possibility of different outcomes. Means an ending despite the possibility might not happen, and that a future though seen and prevented might still happen. Means a situation though already happened, may still repeat and have a different outcome.

and other shorter reasons:

a man who were born some time in the 16th century lives to avenge a guy alive in the 21st century.

video clips of a cheerleader trying to kill her self - more than 20 times.

flying man, Takezo Kensei, Sylar, exploding man, Mr Isaac, and a comicbook with stories that actually happened (same words, same people, same places).

familiar events that has already been seen in a series of paintings.

a hot momma with split personalities, vulnerable and strong.

walking out of prison. literally.

4 guys killed by 1 girl. brutally, with bare hands.

traffic policeman to detective.

random people killed with their heads cut open and pinned on walls or ceilings.

snow out of waterhose.

two mexicans running away from the police despite the fact that they can actually kill them all at the same time.

a wedding turned to a ghost town.

from supervillain to supermanipulating normal person.

from i dont know how to use these powers to i dont know who i am

from now to 5 years from now and from today to thousands of years ago.

a girl everhealing having a fight with a girl with electrocution

mysterious people that will make you wonder what their powers are even if they do not manifest any

pyrokinesis + flight = spontaneous regeneration

—————–

and why should you watch the next season: villains.

simple.

because of the title itself. villains. as i said, if there are heroes, there are villains.
well, of course, if you’ve seen the first two seasons, you’ll be excited for the third one. even if you just saw parts of those seasons. Why? well two things,

Sylar is back.

And the people from level 5 of the building got out, now there are twelve sylars running around.

but you haven’t, so, why would you watch the third season cause you still dont want to watch the last two seasons:

well, simply because

the reasons above will be multiplied to twelve.

Well,

Last time, i told you all everything about my faith in God. Just today, he gave me a reason to believe in him more. Mahal din niya ang mga anak niya sa labas.

See, something just happened today and yesterday. And it is something that i must thank him for. It’s just that just yesterday, I decided to keep looking for a job. Of course, the same one i’ve been trying to get. A call center agent.

God sure does have a plan, and we dont have the same plan.

Well, why say? Cause this is what happened to me today, I planned to go to Sitel and take the schedule for an interview. They texted me the day before yesterday and thought maybe i should go. I mean ive been ‘not looking’ for a job for a month now. And so i did. Unluckily, my navigational skills were’nt enough to take me to the right place. I tried looking for their office. For 2 hours or so. Im at the right place my dad told me and i just cant find the building. I figured it’s already noon and i haven’t found it yet and decided to just go somewhere else. I planned to go to another company which texted me a few days ago. Then i told myself, its been days since they last texted me, im not really sure if going there right now will be a good thing. And that it’s around two rides from where i was that time. Then came Teleperf. It’s just around the block and it won’t hurt. Well, i applied there once and i didnt make it. They said i can always come back after a month. Its been more than a month now. So i just went. Just to not go home without doing any applying. I told myself if things go wrong ill just continue looking for the original company i wanted to apply at and just come back the next day.

To make the story short i got hired. and before the results i was really being pessimistic about the whole process. I thought i would fail the test, i thought i mumbled nonsense at the interview (i was freezing, a sign meaning im nervous), i thought i said an obvious lie at the second interview (i actually said that being hired would be more like a charity for me except that ill be getting paid for it), and i thought ill fail the test i fear the most- the phone simulation test (I gave an answer that was not even part of the choices). There was another interview, and they asked me to do something thrice, i didnt(well i did good with the said task …once).

I just dont get it. Whenever i predict something based on what i think, it just happens the other way around.

Well, all i can say is thatGod’s plan for me rocked today! The position is better (Ill be taking training for Technical Services, and that’s not what i intended to apply for but is way better and works well for me) The day for getting a medical is just enough to prop me up but not too much for me to forget it (on or before the third day i applied) the day the requirements are needed is enough for me to complete them (more than a week), and the time won’t give me a reason to be late (10pm). The place was actually enough for me to stay awake until i get home. 2 to 3 rides away. the place has enough traffic for me to get a rest, morning, makati.

Everything is just perfect (or maybe im just being optimistic, don’t blame me, blame my friend, God, just when i thought a sinner like me can’t make friends with him.). It reminds me of the movie Evan Almighty “Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

The first time i heard it, i had goosebumps. It was the night after i posted the faith entry. And this is most weird part. At the movie, the flood came at September 22 midday. And september 22 will be a flood for me too, cause it’s the starting day for my training, i always celebrate after 22nd day of the month it’s what i call the ‘monthsary’ of my birthday, and sept 22 will be the day that Heroes Season 3 will be aired officially, the day im totally looking forward to. Well, technically, it will be sept 23 here, but heck, it wont be aired here anyways, but still, its another reason to surf the web.

You know what? I asked God for a job, he did not give me a job, he gave me the opportunity to have a job, so im taking this opportunity to tell everybody to not loose your faith in Him. Not that im being Holy, Religious, whatsoever, I just want you to know that even people like me who cant let go of his sins is still loved by Him. Ima talk to him more often. Maybe you should too.