A Deimoan WolfeCry

1 month since i first saw ur eyes. And i knew then that i will never forget you.

3am. I have to wake myself up. I have to make it through today. It’s my first day. I dont like this, why do i have to start my shift at 5am? After being used to night shifts and all, now I suddenly should be adapting to this. Hell! Why do I have to get this job?

And on those times, Im keeping myself from falling deeply into you.

Its a wednesday? First day of my job? We are left here doing nothing. Waiting for something to come. Waiting for any task we should be doing. 2 hours ran and still nothing. Maybe I should look around, I might know someone in here.

Your face is too much to fight to. Your smile is heaven Im very lucky I have known.

How come im bored here? This is the first day of my job. I should be somewhat excited. Is there something wrong with me? Oh, maybe it’s just the fever I had last night.

My soul will never accept the fact that you and I will never be together. Even if it’s your eyes are the ones that’s rubbing them in.

I had fever last night, after taking 2 rest days. Nice. How come I feel like im missing something. Finally, the shift has ended. Its time to go home now.

Last week, Ive heard the news. You’re already with someone. And after hearing that, I just want to bleed to death.

Yeah. Go home. Nothing better to do. No one to talk to. Ill just take the train, so i can spend a little more time before this fucking emptiness linger.

Bleed to death? Nothing’s more painful than knowing there’ll be no chance for us. Yeah, that way, I can still watch my heart pump the last love I have for you.

5 stations away. I can still pretend Im not missing anything. Im not sad. Im not dying. I have enough time to reminisce the times when I can still see a smile enough to remember that life should go on.

I wish I can show to that person that up to the last beat of my heart, my mind still wishes fo his attention.

3 more stations to go. I feel really sleepy. I feel really weak. Why am I feeling this way? I remember myself swearing not to die out of nothing.

And with this, I will not mind hell. Nor God’s punishment….

I guess I was wrong.

 

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A guy was found bleeding inside a train. People never thought the guy was dead, all they know is that he was sitting inside the train. Not until blood dropped from his sweater that covers the slit on his left wrist. The police tried to save him but was dead on arrival.

Ayokong maniwala.

 

One more wall built between us. Not to metnion those that i have been building. I heard the news, and it pains me. Another chance taken, another smile stolen. How come it pains more when your tears shed behind your eyes? How come it pains more when you know your not supposed to feel it? I’ve already accepted the fact that you ignore me, so is that you deny my stares, and so is the impossibility of you even mentioning my name. But why does pain has to linger in my chest? Why do blames has to come around?

Im planning of something. No, i wont be killing myself, something harsh.

Im planning to forget you. Leave you alone, and just try to see you when i see you. Im planning to tell myself I dont know you, and im hoping i will be confident enough to believe myself.

Ill just burrow this past under my pillows, so i can still have it on my dreams. The least I can do to stay sane. The least I can do to remind myself of what you granted me for letting me know that you exist.

 

You granted me with happiness and sadness… and im grateful about that.

 

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Nililingon kita,

at lalo akong sumasaya

at wala namang nangyayari.

Ipinagsasabi kita,

At nalalaman naman nila

Samantalang ni hindi mo naman narinig.

Nginingitian kita,

At sa gayong paraan, napasasaya mo ako

At kasabay non, lalo akong nalulungkot

Hanggang sa nalaman ko nga ang balita…

At mula noon, iniyak ko na palayo ang pangarap na maging masaya tayo…

weee…

137th posts. Ive been blogging around for quite some time now. Yet, im still in doubt if someone is reading my blog, but hell, who cares? As long as i can vent out all these craziness inside me, my readers will be the least of my concerns. Well, not unless someone will go telling me what they want to read from me.

 

But of course, i still appreciate those who waste their precious time reading my blogs. Thanks you very much!

nakita kita kanina.

Masaya ka.

At natutuwa ako.

Hindi dahil nginitian mo ako,

Kundi dahil nakalimutan mo ako.

Nakalimutan mong hinihingi ko ang atensiyon mo

Nakalimutan mong may hiling ako sa iyo

At tanggap ko na hindi mo sinasadya ito.

Dahil kung tutuusin, hindi mo naman nalaman ang mga ito.

Nakita kita kanina,

At malamang sa mga susunod na araw din.

Hindi dahil narito ka lang sa paligid

Kundi dahil alam kong lilingun at lilingunin kita.

Kahit anu pa ang mangyari.

Dahil nasanay na akong

Pinapasaya ang sarili ko

Sa pag apuhap sa maganda mong lingon.

At nakakakilig mong saya.

Nakita kita kanina

Mabuting sundutin ko na lang ang aking ulirat

Nang sa gayon, salubungin mo man ako ng ngiti

galak at lahat ng pinapangarap kong atensiyon

Ay hindi na ako maliligaw sa kagubatang

ginawa ng baluktot kong paniniwala sa tama at mali.

Sa ganitong paraan,

mauubos ang anumang emosyong meron ako sa iyo.

Tinatanggap ko na ang kapalaran ko,

Na magmahal sa isang katulad mo,

Habang sinasabi sa sariling hindi ito kailan man

masusuklian o mauulirat man lang.

core exam.

im not sure if i did learn anything from here. but hell, they are giving all the resources, why should i worry?

shittt…

i do worry. nakakainis., its been 3 weeks, and now this core exam is on the way keeping me from being an agent.

Im not worrying that i may not be able to answer all the questions right, im worrying that the answers ill be giving wont be right enough. they said its tricky. i wonder how tricky.

not to mention im palpitating. thanks to cobra…. mamamatay tao pala yun.

salamat sa mga kasama ko, im still able to manage.

And must i mention this, im already missing my crush, weh, ang lande… im really overwhelmed by my feelings with him. (promiscuous girl background music… nice). I really want to tell him i like him(tang ina ang landi ko nuh!) but i just cant. you know how hArd it is to be trapped in a feeling you’re not supposed to share? trapped with the facts that even if you deserve to be happy and you know you can make him happy, you still cant make him, because if you even inform him of your feelings, there is a possibility that you will never have a chance to him.

Sabi ko sainyo complicated ako eh.

Gusto kong sabihin sayo na mahal kita, pero masyado akong komplikado para hayaan kitang intindihin mo ko.

hala… i was only planning to tell what im doing here in my training days….

Yan ang problema ng walang diyos, wala ng pagpapahalaga sa tama at mali.

Grrrr… He’s inspiring me too much, too much that i feel overwhelmingly inloved.

Inlove? kala ko libog lang.

Tang inang homosexuality to, walang guarantee kong totoo ang nararamdaman mo.

basta ang alam mo, may ginagawa kang mali despite the feeling that it is right.

Can somebody tell me to stop thinking of him, baka sakaling sumunod ako!!!

(in fairness naman sakin, he gives me the motivation to get hired here….

baka sakaling ka team ko siya… e di ako na ang pinakamasayang secret lover sa buong mundo.

kelan niya ba ako papansinin???

maawa ka na sakin!!!

To all my fellow filipino fans…

I know that the first episode for the latest season aired just last monday. It sucks to be 12 episodes away… so let me give you a few updates of what’s going on in season 3!!!

HIRO

He almost lost his ability because arthur stole his memories.
Ando Helped him out take back his memories, went to comic book shops, talked to matt parkman, and ended up having hiro go back 16 years back, meet his mother, and recover his ability.

Unfortunately, Arthur totally stripped Hiro of his ability, now he’s trapped in that time (16 years ago) with no one else there to help him.

Thanks to Isaac Mendez’s draft for 9th wonders, Matt, Daphne and Ando know what happened to Hiro, now, they plan to ask for Mohinder’s help to give Ando an ability and hope that the formula will give him time manipulation and help his bestfriend Hiro being lost in time.

CLAIRE

Figured she holds the catalyst for a formula that will give abilities to non-evolved humans. Lost her ability because of solar eclipse, died the second time, and almost taken by Sylar and Elle. Thanks to Hiro, she was teleported back in time (16 years ago) to help. Due to the Arthur incident, Claire is teleported back to present time to deliver the message: The formula has been completed.

GABRIEL aka SYLAR

Noah told him that he’s not the son of Arthur and Angela. Being vulnerable about such issues, Sylar looked for Sue Landers, an evolved human, and took her ability, the ability to trace a lie. Now, with all his abilities including that, he plans to avenge Arthur and Angela’s manipulative attempt.

PETER PETRELLI

Powerless, Peter, along with Nathan, took the Haitian to aid them with their attempt to destroy Arthur. They had to face the Haitian’s brother (who has an ability of impenetrability) who is also a terrorist. The Haitian’s nullifying ability was used to defeat him. After all these, Nathan realized that Pinehearst objective is somewhat acceptable. He then decided to leave Peter and the Haitian out to join Pinehearst. Now, Peter is left with a responsibility. Peter has to kill Arthur Petrelli, his father, by all means… And it includes anyyone who stands in the way, even Nathan Petrelli, his beloved brother.

PRIMATECH vs PINEHEARST

Despite all the Primatech’s (Angela, Peter and Nathan) attempt to prevent the formula from being completed, Arthur still managed to do so. Now, with the help of Mohinder, the Formula is now ready for testing. They even chose a number of non-evolved humans as hosts for the formula. Having Nathan on their side, Nathan will be the one responsible for to whom the formula will be given.

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I’ve heard season 3 will end at episode 13, the duel. Im really looking forward to seeing the new season and of course knowing how all these twists and turns will end.

By the way, rumors say that the promo title for season 4 will be Fugitives…

I wonder why

3 down… hundreds to go.

I just faced my biggest fear….

Ang tanungin kung bisexual ba ako. I know i already decided to speak it out, but im not really that ready. Wala din ako nagawa, napa oo naman ako. for 5 mins after that, I dont know what they are asking na. Basta na lang ako sumasagot, ina absorb ko yung mga reaksyon nila.

The good thing about it is that alam ko na magiging reaksyon ng ibang tao.

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Im done with my first week of training. Some exam thingy then ill be taking the second course. Back to graveyard shift. Now im like 100 steps further from gaining weight. Darn it!

——————

Lovelife? kelan kaya ako magkakaron nun? naninindig tuloy balahibo ko. Cant imagine myself having lovelife.

Well… everybody needs somebody right? Parang sa akin eh, everybody needs some body. Manyak… kainis!!!

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After all the things i did, i suppose hindi na ako magiging happy. So the least thing i can do is to enjoy my life. Ayoko na din mag isip para sa iba. I dont think i can last another lifetime living this life. might as well make a new life. Magreborn kaya ako…. Nice…. Paru paro? hehehe

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakikipasaway ako sa mga kasamahan ko dito. but what im sure is that im enjoying the privelege of having an internet access kahit nasa training pa ako.

Gago di ba? What if they catch us (or worse me) using the internet. Sabi ng Indian trainer ko, we’re only allowed to use the internet to go to sites that concerns our training. Kaso nung nakita ko sila na gumagamit ng chikka, java games at youtube, join in na ako. nakakaantok kaya. training for game console ni hindi ako makahawak ng console! (ok, exag, nakahawak naman ako. kasi kailangan ko mag setup. part of activity. Kaso included sa activity na to familiarize ourselves with the console. no games? grrr… kaya nga ako nandito weh.) So, the only thing i do is to access my blog and see if there are some readers who enjoy or at least in some way entertained by my posts.

Isa lang ang masasabi ko. If i won’t be able to pass the training, include the access of sites not allowed for training as a possible reason.

By the way, im doing this post habang on break kami sa training. kaya if nabasa ito ng company na pinagtatrabahuhan ko, kkkrrrrkkk… patay ako.

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by the way, everyone here is on guard. kapag bumukas ang pinto, lahatlilingon. baka mahuli eh.

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Haaayyzzz….

Have you read my previous post? yes, the open letters. Opo. Lalaki po siya. Magulat tanga. Magtanong bobo.

Im just hoping that he’ll open up his friendster, check my profile and then read the post. Yes, whenever I want to say something to someone, I use my blog. Kasi duwag ako eh. at saka ganun talaga ako, i would rather not tell the person about what i feel. para hayaan lang nila ako.

You know my existence. I even cried once in front of you. I know Im the snobbish type, but im too complicated to go near you and make friends. All im asking is for you to not ignore my smiling glances. I know you will never like me, but my feelings are so strong that i wouldn’t even mind if you wont. Beggar it may seem, but why would i care, attention is not something you will loose once you give me one. You inspire me, i just have to let you know. I even have to refresh my IE just to see your name every once in a while, and just seeing your name motivates me to stay. You are someone I wish would smile at me before i die. I have to not personally tell you this just to make sure that you will still sit beside me not knowing you’re already making me glad. Please. Im indirectly telling you that you’re starting to steal my sanity. And i like it that way.

If you know that its you. Please, tell me that you dont mind.

That way, I can continue on secretly loving you.

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Isang bukas na sulat para sa taong Inaabot ng mga mata ko.

Sana alam mo. Madalas sinisipat ng paningin ko ang iyong mukha. Oo, inaamin ko, wala akong lakas ng loob na sabihin sayo ito. Pero nasasapat ako sa pagngiti sayo habang hindi ka nakatingin. sa pag apuhap sa pangalan mo dahil alam kong hindi mo ako kakausapin. Sa pananakot sa sarili ko na kapag lumapit ako masyado, lalayo ka. Sikreto lang kitang aalagaan. Nang sa gayon hayaan mo ako.

Alam mo bang una palang kitang nasagi ng paningin ko, nakalimutan ko na ang totoo. Ang katotohanang hindi mo ako kilala. O balak kilalanin. Kaya nagtatanong na lang ako ng mga bagay na alam mong madali lang sagutin. Gusto kong tanungin kung kamusta ka na. Pero parati kang humihithit ng sigarilyong nagsasabi sa akin na lumayo ka. Parati mong kinakausap ang mga tao na kinaiinggitan kong nginingitian mo.

Minsan sinusundan kita. Pero napapagod ang mata ko. Magaling ka kasing magtago. Kaya iiyak na lang ako pauwi. Dahil hindi ko nanaman sayo nasabing kamusta.

Alam ko kilala mo ko. Kasi napilitan ka nang kausapin ako ng ilang beses. At yung mga panahon na iyon, napilitan din akong maging masaya. Kahit gusto ko iyong itago. Dahil takot ako sa pagtanggi mo. Nagulat nga ako isang araw, itinanong ko ang tungkol sa buhok mo. samantalang gusto ko naman talagang iyong mga wala nito. Bakit mo kasi ako ninanakaw? Alam mo bang wala akong balak bawiin ang sarili ko sayo?

Sana tabihan mo ulit ako. At sana kung kilala mo na kung sino ka, kapag kinamusta kita, o apuhapin ko ang paninigarilyo mo, ngitian mo ako. kahit nasa malayo ka.

Para makapagpasalamat naman ako sa pagbubuhay mo sa loob ko. At sa pagtutulak sa akin na manatili sa ginagawa ko.

Wag kang mag alala. Wala kang obligasyong pasiyahin ako. Dahil sa totoo lang, ang katotohanang nabubuhay ka at nalaman ko iyon ay sapat na. sapat na para hindi ko na hilingin ang langit sa kamatayan ko.

My own version of “Isang Dalawang Kuwento”

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I can’t imagine a life without you

Sabi niya kanina maghintay daw ako dito sa dati naming tagpuan. Bakit kaya? Huli kasi kaming nagkita nag away kami, sana makipagbati na siya sa akin. Isang linggo ko na ding hinihintay yung text niya. Nakaka irita pala kapag hindi mo alam ang nangyayari sa inyong dalawa.

+++++

Sana natanggap niya ang text ko. Sana maghintay siya sa rooftop. Gusto kong ipaalam sa kaniya na hindi ko kayang mawala siya. Bakit kasi kailangan ko pang magdesisyon kung sino ang pipiliin ko. Alam ko namang hindi ako magiging masaya sa boyfriend ko.

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I don’t even dare not think of you

Nung nagkaaway kami, galit na galit talaga ako. Halos sapakin ko na siya sa mukha. Hindi ko nga alam kung paanong nawala ang galit ko sa kanya. Basta alam ko lang pagkatapos ng limang oras na hindi siya nagtetext tinext ko siya kaagad para magsori.

++++++

Bakit kasi nagalit ako sa kaniya. Kasalanan ko din naman eh. Bakit kasi hindi ko alam na mahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya. Lagi ko pala siyang maalala.

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You always mean happiness to me

Bigla ko tuloy naalala yung unang pumunta kami dito. Parang napakapayapa ng paligid. Malaking malaki mga problema namin nun kaya nagdesisyon kaming umakyat dito sa rooftop. Gabi nun, maliwanag ang buwan. Malamig din ang hangin. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nakalimutan ang problema niya, pero ako, nung naramdaman ko na kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama, naubos lahat ng laman ng isip ko.

+++++

Naalala ko tuloy nung una ko siyang nakilala. Hindi ko alam pero parang lagi akong humahanap ng paraan para maging masaya siya. Inaya ko siyang pumunta sa rooftop para kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama. Gusto kong iparamdam sa kaniya kung gaano ko kagustong manatili siyang masaya.

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You always make me feel special

Naalala ko din nung isang beses na inamin ko sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. Bago nung araw na yun, marami akong iniisp na mga bagay bagay. Tapos inimbitahan niya akong umakyat ulit dito. Naramdaman niya sigurong may problema ako. Kagaya nung una, natunaw ako sa kasiyahan at napilitang sabihin sa kanya kung gaano siya kaimportante sakin.

+++++

Naalala ko din nung sinabi niya sakin ang nararamdaman niya. Masayang masaya ako. Hindi niya alam kung gaano kaimportante sa akin na malamang may nararamdaman din siya sa akin.

I will never let you drop a tear because of me

Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari samin, nitong nakaraang araw, hindi na kami nag uusap. Halos hindi na din niya ako kinokontak. Kailangan ko pa siyang hanapin para lang mapilitan siyang makausap ako. Pero limitado lang lagi ang oras ko sa kaniya. Lagi siyang may dapat gawin.

+++++

Bakit kasi kailangang malaman ng boyfriend ko ang tungkol sa kaniya. Plano ko na namang iwanan yung boyfriend ko para sa kaniya eh. kailangan ko lang ayusin ang lahat. Gusto ko kasing maging masaya kasama siya.

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And you will never make me drop any

Hanggang nung huli nga. Nagpunta kaming dalawa dito para lang sabihin niya sa akin na hindi na kami puwedeng magkita. Nagalit ako. Gusto ko siyang mag explain. Sabihin kung anong nangyayari. Ayokong umiyak, pero hindi ko napigilan. Nainis ako. Nanabik pa naman ako sa kanya tapos yun pala ang huli naming pagkikita.

+++++

Kaso, nalaman ng magulang ko ang tungkol sa amin. Ayaw nila sa kanya. Gusto nila sa boyfriend ko. Napilitan tuloy akong sabihin sa kaniyang hindi na kami puwedeng magkita.

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Because with all the love that i feel for you

Baka magpapaalam na siya sa akin. Baka gusto lang niya ng closure. Baka tatapusin na niya ang lahat. Baka iiwan na niya ako. Baka hindi niya talaga ako minahal. Anung gagawin ko? Wala akong ibang mahal kundi siya. Hindi ko alam ang magiging buhay ko kung alam kong hindi na ko puwedeng magpakita sa kanya. Ayokong mabuhay ng ipinipilit sa sariling hindi na siya parte ng buhay ko. Ayoko ng ganito.

+++++

Pero pagkatapos kong makipaghiwalay sa kaniya, nalaman kong hindi ko pala kaya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kapag nawala siya sa akin. Siya lang ang makakapagpasaya sa akin. Kaya nakapagdesisyon ako. Siya ang pipiliin ko. Siya ang mahal ko.

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I will let you kill me

Ayoko. Hindi ko matatanggap ang ganung buhay. Ayokong marinig mula sa kanyang iiwan na niya ako. Mas mabuti pang mamatay na lang ako. Mattas ang rooftop na ito. Sapat na ang taas nito para magkaroon ako ng oras na alalahanin ang nakangiti niyang mukha.

+++++

Mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay kasama siya, kesa sumama sa taong hindi ko na mahal at sumunod sa magulang ko kahit hindi ko gusto. Sana hintayin niya ako sa rooftop. Gusto kong ipaalam sa kaniya na siya lang ang mamahalin ko ng higit pa sa buhay ko.

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as long as you’ll tell me that you’re glad that you met me.

(At nang makarating siya sa gusali, bigla siyang nalaglagan ng isang lalaking nagpakamatay mula sa rooftop)

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And so everything happened according to what they want. Isn’t that sweet?